.. yet i wouldn’t know what to ask for. I have the most amazing things in life, those important things. The basics we so frequently over look. We over look them merely by focusing on the things we so constantly seek yet never fulfill our desires. I’d love to be in love, the feeling of love which we so constantly think, write, dwell, and desire on. Yet all we get is a false promises, broken hearts, and we’re left with nothing because we sell ourselves short.  I’d love to have an abundance of money, clothes, or even a car seeing that I don’t have one at the time. I could buy endless things, but they don’t amount to much when really the problem is you.
.. but none of them give me what i have now.

I have consistency beyond measure. because what we want isn’t what we need. & i’ve given enough of myself away to things that will never give me anything back. I have love beyond measure through my family which supports, loves & gives without asking for anything in return. I have a consistent loving God who comforts, loves, and never fails me.. no matter how far i run, hide, or reject him. I have an immeasurable amount of friends that give, listen, laugh, teach, and show me things i’ve never experienced before. I have shelter that will be here tomorrow, i have a job that provides me with money for the things i need. I have the means to get an education, eat, and live.

..they’ve blinded us all .
i’d forgotten what it was to be grateful. i’d forgotten what it was to believe in myself. i’d forgotten what it was like to believe in the people that matter the most, the people that make me who i am. i’d forgotten that it’s not the little things in our life that make us happy, but the big things. those big things, you know the people, the lives, the place you live, the things that have molded you’re very existence. it’s everything you know, everyone you’ve encountered, whatever makes you better. whatever makes you believe. whatever makes you smile, love, give, listen, learn, and appreciate. we’ve been lied to told we deserve everything, & its not true. we deserve nothing, but have been given the most valuable things. & we reject them everyday & we go on not knowing what we’re looking for.

i won’t look farther than i can reach. i won’t look farther than i can be held. i’ll be grateful for this day. i don’t lack love, friends, family or anything that i so assuredly told myself i did. they haven’t blinded everyone, no not all.

Your Love
your love it hold true
your love it shows faithful
your love it is complete
my love it falls short
my love it is deceptive
my love it cannot compare
but you fill my holes, you make me whole
your love it covers my shame
& my heart is made whole through you

The Scarlet Letter
My scarlet letter it is woven upon my heart
it is bold and bright, dark and gloomy
it is imprinted upon my heart.
I run but cannot hide
my shame it cannot be removed.
My heart is weak with pain.
With judgment it only ravishes itself.
That letter it doesn’t let me sleep.
But there is one who finds me in my shame.
He doesn’t ridicule me; there is one
who loves me even as the letter burns through my flesh.
He not only loves me, but also removes the letter.
He clothes me in white..
with his coverings comes my integrity and character once again.
I can love once again, my heart it no longer hides..
It is pure it is pure.

My heart, your heart
Your word stands true..
as my heart hardly stands.
My heart of flesh, it bruises easily.
Their words weigh it down..
my heart is doubtful and is easily deceived.
But your word Lord it cannot be shaken.
Your word lord shaped the heavens and the earth.
As lies entangle me, as they cling to my heart..
I call out your name and my heart is glad.
For your heart knows my heart.
Therefore my heart believes and is complete.
I lack nothing, my heart is willing
your heart is true your heart is faithful.

*..Excuses Come in Bulk <3

The excuses come in bulk.

there is always a reason, theres always

an illusion that i’m never wrong.

so take me back if you will…

the excuses are there because I care

because I have no one to blame,

i’m standing alone on this one

it was me, i’m weak at heart

i’m everything you’re not, thats why you complete–

Me*

Hold my Heart <3

do you take lay-away?
i’m turning in my heart
until eternity, that my heart may be safe
take it I don’t deserve it yet…
my heart is weak
it falls for everything &* bruises easily.

My Ray of Light..*

Oh I never thought this day would come

When someone would love me with all of their heart

Oh what a day to find you by my side

Holding me when all I ask for is a ray of light

But you dont have trouble shining through, to me
Oh what a hope Ive found within you

You fill me to everything I have

Oh dont leave me

I couldnt stand without you, alone again

You are my everything

My epitome of perfection

Ive been waiting on all my life*

This one’s for you Aaron, my partner in doubting.

I’ve been thinking lately, and perhaps that not the best thing I should do.  Every time I start to think or analyze my life I become a little discouraged.  The other day we we’re at Dairy Queen and we we’re all talking, and I was a little encouraged that there was other people who we’re discouraged like me… I don’t know that that’s a great thing to be happy about but I hate to be alone on awkward feelings, and since I have them a lot its nice to know I’m not the only human going through them. 

You see in this life, yes this one the one we’re living as we speak or… type.  Everything is going to let us down, and what kills me is that I let myself down the most.  Let me explain, or babble for my own selfish reason that I must get this off my chest.  I was born into a very, very, very Mexican family.  Along with that family came its values, norms, and characteristics.  Now these very things shaped, formed and molded me into the person I am now and don’t get me wrong I love absolutely love my family, but in this culture its either, there’s plenty of room for mistakes or no room for mistakes at all.  I’m in the room for no mistakes, and why you ask.  Because I’m a girl and because my mother and father raised me believing that women, or young ladies are to be respectable women.  Women of character, who stand for what they believe in and fight for what they want.  Somewhere along the lines of growing up, in my mind I made this image of myself and the way I am suppose to be.  I imagine I’m should be reserved, not talking about inappropriate things, or speaking out of turn.  I should cook and clean, neither of which I know.  I should work, study and take part in family activities.  I shouldn’t dress inappropriate, reveling and dress up at all times.  All these things come from old traditional values from the Mexican heritage you see, but along with these values I should also make new trends, such as going to school and working, both of which my older relatives did not have the opportunity to do.  As I do all these things I have conflicting interest you see, I was brought up in the south side of Edinburg, my friends usually consisted of very simulated Hispanics or white friends.  I learned new things, goals, vocabulary, and achievements.  In all of this I became a rebellious teenager like most, partying, drinking, and promiscuous activities all of which are unacceptable to any standard in my book.  Then I became a Christian, wow where you didn’t have to do anything to gain forgiveness and your slate was wiped clean.  Now this worked for a while, and then all of a sudden I brought even MORE standards to my little book, where there really was no room for mistakes.  Ironically, since Christianity is all about mistakes and how God takes them away and how we cant earn or achieve this forgiveness through anything we do.  Now I went the total opposite did everything I was suppose to do, and when I messed up in any way I’d beat myself up to the point where I was disgusted with myself.  I got to the point where nothing was ever enough, I never lived up to any of my expectations, well because they we’re out of my league. I am only human of course I can’t be perfect, and would never live up to all the expectations I gave myself. 

Now I’ve found myself giving up on what I’ve believed in all my life, living up to expectations.  What if I gave up, what if I gave in?  If I could just let my hair down, and do whatever without thinking that someone might see or judge me… tonight I was hanging out with a new crowd.  I felt so at ease, not having to live up to their standards because they didn’t expect me to be perfect which was great.  Then again something inside of me kept pulling me back.  I felt a tug time and time again, but then again I think its just me being self-analyzing because I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I didn’t drink, smoke, or even talk to a guy… well I did but not like that.  Now I question how does this Christianity-God thing work? I mean really we’re humans our flesh ALWAYS wants something other than our “spirit”.  We will always fail, always.  You know at this point I could say I don’t know where “I’d go if I died tonight” I mean I live this righteous life… supposedly, trying to do everything right but what’s it worth if I question this lifestyle or this God.  I don’t know I’m just tired of it all, I really don’t feel like I can go on.  I feel like a hypocrite as if I’m living one life and although I’m not leading another I want to not worry about EVERYTHING I do.  I just want to be able to live and not be seen as though I’m suppose to be perfect or not fall like the rest, and as long as I’m where I am now it will remain the same.  I’m sorry if I’m letting anyone down, I just have to be true to myself I can’t keep going on like this…   

I do believe anyone i’ve let close enough to stab me in the heart has.. with regard i too have stabbed them, profusely usually. i suppose i am the same (afraid to let ppl come close) & hide it well.. or not so well. i think i might be so transparent that i’m not transparent at all. I dont let people know everything but make it seem as though i do or do i maybe i might just be tricking myself.

- You know a lot of people know me really well, when i make a certain action or gesture they know EXACTLY what i’m thinking.. (i hate it sometimes cause i feel predictable) BUT then theirs times no one knows anything at all and i’m dying inside. i hate to say it but friends.. you dont know me at all and i’m sorry… i’m not there yet either. I have been hurt..  i’m a little girl inside ready to have my heart broken and so i put up many walls, walls i cant even imagine how to break.  Walls that i dont know how they got there. I guard my heart so well that sometimes i cant even find it..? if that makes any sense at all.. (i word vomit alot when i think too much)
    My conclusion: We’re all fakes, not to be melodramatic but in reality we are. I mean i might disclose some information to one person and not another. I might tell you one truth and not the other. I pick and choose who and what to tell, in order to make myself feel better or to keep myself from being hurt. I am sincere dont get me wrong what i show you i am.. but usually thats only half of what i’m thinking. The other night i was writing in my journal and basically bashed the world to pieces based on my meloD phase i was going through & then later this week i bashed myself into pieces based on something i did.. i’m dramatic in everything i do and i hide it well i shove it all away in little heart and huge head. so sorry friends if i too keep you at a distance.. im sure you keep me at a distance as well and maybe we’re all better off that way.

Okay, so I absolutely despise school at almost any given point in time. The definition for school should be something like… is meant for learning, but usually you forget when you step out of class and the side effects would be something or other along the lines of may cause extreme anxiety, and or extreme depression. lol Buuuut! somehow along the lines of insanity, depression, and anxiety my sociology class can be pretty enlightening.. yes i said it. Today we talked about stereotypes, personal space, and some theory called “roles of front/backstage” i found it quite amusing, but oddly true, hence the title. So the theory is life is show/act, and theres a front stage and a backstage. The front-stage is for the outward appearance that you give people what you want them to know, the way you want to be seen.  The backstage is your personal life, which you only share with your closest friends. I guess it ties in with my last blog, but we also talked about stereotypes.. and how we see other people which ties in with our forum yesterday. Its funny how our minds work, i think our minds drive us crazy with thoughts, hopes, emotions, disillusionment.. insanity and really none of us are sane whatsoever. (or so I’ve conjured up in my mind)

I find it amusing how we use words, expressions, and characteristics to label everything. For example i say school is depressing and causes anxiety yet, another might say school is exciting, fun, and maybe even exhilarating. So may it be that the beauty in things is in the eye of the beholder, if so does that mean we have the capacity of seeing everything as beautiful. If so I say i’m beholding alot of nothing. It’s lost its touch on me, life that is… or perhaps i have. I think we try to capture life in a bottle per say or a box.. yes a box is a better analogy.. (i hope i used analogy right, i’m sure ya’ll will let me know) so in our ever so called box[of life] how big is our box? I’ve examined my self pretty quickly in like the last couples of minutes. My box is small like me, its big enough to hold me.. standing, enough to stretch out my arms in it sideways up and down, enough for me to sit and i can dance a bit in it since i mean i can reach out my hands i have that space to dance in? BUUUT thats all.. i cant run in my box i cant take my box to space or my box cant take me to space, actually. This box its not enough to swim or fly me somewhere really my box, its pretty limited.  The only flying/swimming i’m doing is in my mind.. my emotions are high in my box but they’re contained and cant escape the box therefore the box is about to burst, BUT never does. So theres all this emotions, anxiety per say love, hate, passion, fear ALL of it its all captured in this little box.. and the box well the box is miserable it wants to expand, it wants to fit my needs it wants to help me fly, swim, jump scream but the box well its a box. [wow, this came out of nowhere.. this is not where i was going haha] and all the box can do is what i allow it to do.. i guess the box is God not like a barrier, but the barrier i put on God or myself.  I’m actually really upset with myself because i’ve never realized my box was so small, and limited i’ve always wanted more, but never allowed it. So therefore i feel like a deer caught in headlights, God caught my attention. Really i dont know my response all i know is i’m acknowledging the fact that i’m a small box perhaps i shall grow. Yes.. i’ll grow or at least give it a shot.

Okay.. so life is odd, & unseemly strange.  Every time i think i’ve got it figured out, i dont.  You know if i told you about all the different stages in my life, you’d be surprised.  This sunday at our so called “forum” we talked about the past, and quite frankly i’ve always avoided the past at all cost.  I’m not fond of my past i’m more of a “oh yeah, i did that.. (lets keep moving on to a diff. conversation)”  &* i guess its kinda true what Marc said that night it does keep you humbled (and it’ll surely knock at our door eventually).  I’m the last to say i’m perfect and i’m probably, no i am alot harder on myself than i lead to believe.  But recently i’ve been bearing flaws that are not quite like the past flaws i’ve had.  Their not to say harder or easier, just different because now i have new things to overcome.  I think i’d become a little deafening to the things people go through you know? i’ve been out of high school three years now.. gosh. i cant believe how fast time passes & until quite recently i had totally forgotten where i’d come from. (a late night talk w/donna about the past really makes you remember..)  My closest friends might know my past, but very few of my most recent friends dont. 

Latley, i’ve become deaf to hear whats going on. Although i’m not, i’m quite sheltered for most people.  I mean when people cuss i’m taken aback, when people drink i’m confused, when people smoke i’m disgusted.. & this is because i use to be first in line to all those things at one point.  i think we grow cold, and a little heartless to the fears and disappointments people go through. i’m sure no one grows up wishing to be an alcoholic, cutter, or a totally wreck you know? & far be it for me to judge.  If anything i’m just like them whoever they are.. except i’m an emotional wreck & i hide it well. Instead of reaching for the bottle i reach for the ice cream.. although its funny its altogether the same. We all cling to something, we all reach our escape some how. I’m no better than the rest, i fall quite short just as the next person. I’d like to say that now more than ever i’ll be the last to judge.. im positive i judge easily and i’m going to work on it. Because if anyone needs as much forgiveness and love as i do, then they need alot of it. & i dont want to be a deafening heart.. that cant relate or hear when its being called on.. <3

love   Audio Help   (lŭv)  Pronunciation Key  n.   A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. An expression of one’s affection: Send him my love. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love. Love Mythology Eros or Cupid. often Love Christianity Charity. Sports A zero score in tennis.

 

ehh. ; / if this is love.. then its no wonder we’re disappointed. You know i’ve come to realize and depend on a love so great it cant even be explained, maybe just maybe, this is whyy this explanation is so so.. OFF! I mean if i tried to explain love it’d be something like.. love.. its amazing .. or something or other (rambaling on & on about how great it is how it makes you feel inside.. by this time i’m done the other person is like oh..okay.[thinking suuuure! you so know..?]) We are easily deceived you know? Our hearts are so easily entangled by lies.. and our hearts they dont know better, they just cling to whatever is thrown their way. - hay i love you… your great.. your my friend & i love you.. ill always be there for you.. your amazing.. i’ve never loved someone like you.. i’ve never known anyone like you.. i love you sister.. i love you brother.. friend.. wife..husband… okay maybe i dont know anything maybe love is everywhere but i think now more than ever we deceive ourselves. We compare and examine each other rating one by the other.. – well she doesnt love like i love… well i do more.. well i do this .. i do that.. huh. funny, that you say that. i i i i i i i .. ?

 I feel so inadequate sometimes (see i say i too..) like i dont love enough or at all… like i’m dry and cant give much.  But you know what.. thats okay. Because i cant love perfectly and i cant guarantee you happiness, joy, or anything at that. I’m human, if you hadn’t noticed.. and so are you.. world,  i’m not speaking to someone specifically i noticed it kinda sounded like that.. this is a general blog to myself and anyone willing to read. I’ve noticed i’m a crowd pleaser.. i try to love until i cant love anymore. In my mind i think “But what will they think of me.. but what will they say.. what will i look like..” Our everyday decisions are run by our mind that never stops.. by the deceptions of the enemy, he’ll say anything to make you think twice.  So maybe i dont love as i should and i wont please everyone in the room. All i know is i can sure try and ill love to my capacity, the capacity of a yae high twenty year old girl. My body is tired, my spirit is weak, my emotions are low, my mind its weak.. this flesh of mine it gives in easily. So when i have nothing else to give when i’m running on empty, when i’m running on fumes.. when all i can do is give up, i’ll rely on the one true love that never lets me down that never gives up that is never weak that never gives in that never runs on empty. I’ll rely on my Jesus yes.. my Jesus. Because not matter what my weak heart says no matter what lies it believes, atleast my heart knows one truth that overshadows the fears and pains, his love. His perfect love that I cant explain, that lets me love just a little. Its no wonder love cant be explained. Our love it doesnt love much compared to his. I’ve found a pretty good close to perfect explanation though.. you’ve heard it a million times.. but whyy dont you really read it..

1 Corinthians 13

Love

1If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.  4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

All i know is nothing, i’m like a child let me learn. So lets strive for that love.. because i’m sure not patient.. or kind at that, i can be kinda sarcastic. i’m envious.. i’m a little jealous, boastful at times.. yes i’ll answer the age old question i’m vain, i admit. i’m conceited, i can be rude, i always insist on my way being right.  i’m resentful, self-seeking, i dont bear much… and those are only a few. So yes i’m not perfect but you know what my God is made perfect through my weakness.  My God he loves perfectly, and thats enough for me.

 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.