Put on the Spot
He watches in complete adoration.
She although shakes her head in disapproval.
How long will we go unsatisfied?
Cant we see that he loves even our smallest efforts..
He tells her your beautiful and your works are most certainly accepted!
The lies they old me down she screams!
But he says my truth covers those lies and shame, your love is all I require.

Your Love
your love it hold true
your love it shows faithful
your love it is complete
my love it falls short
my love it is deceptive
my love it cannot compare
but you fill my holes, you make me whole
your love it covers my shame
& my heart is made whole through you

The Scarlet Letter
My scarlet letter it is woven upon my heart
it is bold and bright, dark and gloomy
it is imprinted upon my heart.
I run but cannot hide
my shame it cannot be removed.
My heart is weak with pain.
With judgment it only ravishes itself.
That letter it doesn’t let me sleep.
But there is one who finds me in my shame.
He doesn’t ridicule me; there is one
who loves me even as the letter burns through my flesh.
He not only loves me, but also removes the letter.
He clothes me in white..
with his coverings comes my integrity and character once again.
I can love once again, my heart it no longer hides..
It is pure it is pure.

My heart, your heart
Your word stands true..
as my heart hardly stands.
My heart of flesh, it bruises easily.
Their words weigh it down..
my heart is doubtful and is easily deceived.
But your word Lord it cannot be shaken.
Your word lord shaped the heavens and the earth.
As lies entangle me, as they cling to my heart..
I call out your name and my heart is glad.
For your heart knows my heart.
Therefore my heart believes and is complete.
I lack nothing, my heart is willing
your heart is true your heart is faithful.

*..Excuses Come in Bulk <3

The excuses come in bulk.

there is always a reason, theres always

an illusion that i’m never wrong.

so take me back if you will…

the excuses are there because I care

because I have no one to blame,

i’m standing alone on this one

it was me, i’m weak at heart

i’m everything you’re not, thats why you complete–

Me*

Hold my Heart <3

do you take lay-away?
i’m turning in my heart
until eternity, that my heart may be safe
take it I don’t deserve it yet…
my heart is weak
it falls for everything &* bruises easily.

My Ray of Light..*

Oh I never thought this day would come

When someone would love me with all of their heart

Oh what a day to find you by my side

Holding me when all I ask for is a ray of light

But you dont have trouble shining through, to me
Oh what a hope Ive found within you

You fill me to everything I have

Oh dont leave me

I couldnt stand without you, alone again

You are my everything

My epitome of perfection

Ive been waiting on all my life*

One thing is for sure;
after years of searching and waiting
waiting and seeking; seeking and looking
I’ve found nothing at all.
For I’ve found and lost; lost and replaced
replaced and re-started.
Retracing my steps farther than when I first began;
therefore I’m lost.
By lost I mean I cannot find a place or thought to move with.
I lost you while I searched for you.
See, I thought I found you out.
But I didn’t realize I had not, so I fooled myself profusely.
I moved quickly and swiftly on, forward.
Yet forward wasn’t forward at all or with you nonetheless… you see.
You weren’t anywhere in sight.
I only grew further, and if at any point I had seen you_ now you were gone.
I didn’t know where to start, because now I am more lost than ever.
Because at first there was a start;
now I have no idea where to start.

love   Audio Help   (lŭv)  Pronunciation Key  n.   A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. An expression of one’s affection: Send him my love. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love. Love Mythology Eros or Cupid. often Love Christianity Charity. Sports A zero score in tennis.

 

ehh. ; / if this is love.. then its no wonder we’re disappointed. You know i’ve come to realize and depend on a love so great it cant even be explained, maybe just maybe, this is whyy this explanation is so so.. OFF! I mean if i tried to explain love it’d be something like.. love.. its amazing .. or something or other (rambaling on & on about how great it is how it makes you feel inside.. by this time i’m done the other person is like oh..okay.[thinking suuuure! you so know..?]) We are easily deceived you know? Our hearts are so easily entangled by lies.. and our hearts they dont know better, they just cling to whatever is thrown their way. - hay i love you… your great.. your my friend & i love you.. ill always be there for you.. your amazing.. i’ve never loved someone like you.. i’ve never known anyone like you.. i love you sister.. i love you brother.. friend.. wife..husband… okay maybe i dont know anything maybe love is everywhere but i think now more than ever we deceive ourselves. We compare and examine each other rating one by the other.. – well she doesnt love like i love… well i do more.. well i do this .. i do that.. huh. funny, that you say that. i i i i i i i .. ?

 I feel so inadequate sometimes (see i say i too..) like i dont love enough or at all… like i’m dry and cant give much.  But you know what.. thats okay. Because i cant love perfectly and i cant guarantee you happiness, joy, or anything at that. I’m human, if you hadn’t noticed.. and so are you.. world,  i’m not speaking to someone specifically i noticed it kinda sounded like that.. this is a general blog to myself and anyone willing to read. I’ve noticed i’m a crowd pleaser.. i try to love until i cant love anymore. In my mind i think “But what will they think of me.. but what will they say.. what will i look like..” Our everyday decisions are run by our mind that never stops.. by the deceptions of the enemy, he’ll say anything to make you think twice.  So maybe i dont love as i should and i wont please everyone in the room. All i know is i can sure try and ill love to my capacity, the capacity of a yae high twenty year old girl. My body is tired, my spirit is weak, my emotions are low, my mind its weak.. this flesh of mine it gives in easily. So when i have nothing else to give when i’m running on empty, when i’m running on fumes.. when all i can do is give up, i’ll rely on the one true love that never lets me down that never gives up that is never weak that never gives in that never runs on empty. I’ll rely on my Jesus yes.. my Jesus. Because not matter what my weak heart says no matter what lies it believes, atleast my heart knows one truth that overshadows the fears and pains, his love. His perfect love that I cant explain, that lets me love just a little. Its no wonder love cant be explained. Our love it doesnt love much compared to his. I’ve found a pretty good close to perfect explanation though.. you’ve heard it a million times.. but whyy dont you really read it..

1 Corinthians 13

Love

1If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.  4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

All i know is nothing, i’m like a child let me learn. So lets strive for that love.. because i’m sure not patient.. or kind at that, i can be kinda sarcastic. i’m envious.. i’m a little jealous, boastful at times.. yes i’ll answer the age old question i’m vain, i admit. i’m conceited, i can be rude, i always insist on my way being right.  i’m resentful, self-seeking, i dont bear much… and those are only a few. So yes i’m not perfect but you know what my God is made perfect through my weakness.  My God he loves perfectly, and thats enough for me.

 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

i’m so broken, my heart that is… i think i failed calculus.  well i know i did.. i just havent accepted it yet.. i talked to my teacher she said grades arent FINAL and she was going to see if she could do anything but i think theres not much she can do. i missed a C by 2 points i got a 68.   i’ve never failed a class so excuse me for being dramatic… i’m freaking out i have to take the class again, nonetheless pay for it again, my GPA is going to drop (not that its like a 4.0 or anything) but its good, and now it wont be.   so for now im going to pray like there’s no tommorow to see if she lets me off w/a C.  i dont understand why finals are relevant, i mean doesnt the work throughout the semester show you we know what were doing… ;(

So i’ve come to realize i have the best friends in the world.  I absolutley adooore them <3 Last night some of us went flying kites, and it was amazing.. does that sound weird? Because it was, I find i’m growing so close to my friends. (&* not just the ones i was flying kites with but other too ) Gosh they’re amazing, they are always there when i need them and even though i’m a mess sometimes and can be the biggest dork alive they still love me.  So after high school me and my bestfriends (from highschool) grew and kind of grew apart (we’re still good friends, but this was at the time) and I was afraid for my life i’d never have such close friends as i once did.  But now i STAND CORRECTED! i have awesome friends.  they make me all happy inside i find myself texting and talking to them more often than not.  &* believe me i was never much of a texter… but i’m addicted to them and texting. haha dont you love it, when things in life are so unexpected and yet extrodinary at the same time…* i doooo! <3

Okay… so I’m all for an education and becoming a better person and so on..  but dang, school sucks.  I’m so over it, i wish i was done.  At this very moment in time I am doing my homework… okay with a few little breaks but it’s my day off at work and I’m at school doing homework argh >;o so as of right now i know the GDP, inflation, industires and so on about Kenya and Cambodia so if you need the info i have it : / i will let you know as i go on what other countries I’m learning about, heh. anyways I’ve been so busy lately i hardly have time for anything. school and work take up all of my time and then i always have activities i just need to attend to. i think i am addicted to being busy, because even when i am not i look to do something i can never just sit at home.. story of my life.  Then again being at home alone sucks too so either way works out kinda weird… i guess I’m just a weirdo.  Okay so… just thought you guys would find this interesting did you know that Israel as a comparison is slightly smaller than New Jersey because i did not know that i find that hard to believe maybe it is just because I’m not big on geography stuff so i never take much interest but i thought that was insightful. Any-who, I’m done with homework. 

 So… I’ve been finding lately that i feel so unworthy of my life, i mean i know i complain sometimes but i have a pretty great life.  I have a unbelievable family who totally adores me (and i too adore them), wonderful friends, and a great great God who is always directing my steps.  I find it unbelievable that I am a totally and complete opposite person than i was only five years ago. I would hardly recognize that person anymore all I see is a lonely, desperate little girl looking for attention.  When at the time I can vaguely remember now.. i was thinking I had it all, gosh I was so mistaken.  I only hope that other girls that are out there that thought like me would come to realize, its an empty life that leads to nothing but disappointment. I think I’m growing up, I’m scared and yet excited.  I want to be young forever and not worry about life, bills, and work but then again i know its time to move on.. not so much as like maturity and things of the like (i think i’m there already), but as in like my career and school i want it to be over.  I want to say that i have arrived to my destination to the place i have so long desired i want to live out my dreams and make new ones i don’t want to dwell on the dreams I’ve had the past couple of years i want to scratch those out and say been there done that lets move on.  I guess i kind of feel like I’m at like a plateau, where things are just there.  I don’t want to be just there i want to be out and about i want my own store(clothing) i want my own restaurant i want my ministry i want… i don’t know everything… haha.  I know i know, I’m a little selfish but i feel like if I’m not doing anything then there’s nothing to do. I don’t know if that makes sense.  I feel the same way in the spiritual aspect but even more than this.  I feel like gosh Gods given me so much and i want to give so much back… i just don’t know how.  I guess i feel like sometimes i label myself and that’s so ugly i know but i feel like I’m this 3-4th yr Christian who should be doing more… but i don’t know what. I just want to know and do it.  I feel like i’m God is giving me so much and i want more and more (like of his presence). I feel like a hole inside of me, a good one not a bad one.  And this hole it just so deep and it doesn’t fill and i guess that’s kinda of great because I’m always wanting more but then again i want it you know? maybe not, i don’t know I’m a weirdo and i can never explain my feelings right. So anyways i guess i kind of got that of my chest. I feel a little better I’m just a little stressed with school and work.  So all in all I have these dreams and desired i hope one day i can achieve.

okay i had wrote like the longest first blog ever and some how it disappeared :[ 
this is like a bad first experience blog ….