This one’s for you Aaron, my partner in doubting.

I’ve been thinking lately, and perhaps that not the best thing I should do.  Every time I start to think or analyze my life I become a little discouraged.  The other day we we’re at Dairy Queen and we we’re all talking, and I was a little encouraged that there was other people who we’re discouraged like me… I don’t know that that’s a great thing to be happy about but I hate to be alone on awkward feelings, and since I have them a lot its nice to know I’m not the only human going through them. 

You see in this life, yes this one the one we’re living as we speak or… type.  Everything is going to let us down, and what kills me is that I let myself down the most.  Let me explain, or babble for my own selfish reason that I must get this off my chest.  I was born into a very, very, very Mexican family.  Along with that family came its values, norms, and characteristics.  Now these very things shaped, formed and molded me into the person I am now and don’t get me wrong I love absolutely love my family, but in this culture its either, there’s plenty of room for mistakes or no room for mistakes at all.  I’m in the room for no mistakes, and why you ask.  Because I’m a girl and because my mother and father raised me believing that women, or young ladies are to be respectable women.  Women of character, who stand for what they believe in and fight for what they want.  Somewhere along the lines of growing up, in my mind I made this image of myself and the way I am suppose to be.  I imagine I’m should be reserved, not talking about inappropriate things, or speaking out of turn.  I should cook and clean, neither of which I know.  I should work, study and take part in family activities.  I shouldn’t dress inappropriate, reveling and dress up at all times.  All these things come from old traditional values from the Mexican heritage you see, but along with these values I should also make new trends, such as going to school and working, both of which my older relatives did not have the opportunity to do.  As I do all these things I have conflicting interest you see, I was brought up in the south side of Edinburg, my friends usually consisted of very simulated Hispanics or white friends.  I learned new things, goals, vocabulary, and achievements.  In all of this I became a rebellious teenager like most, partying, drinking, and promiscuous activities all of which are unacceptable to any standard in my book.  Then I became a Christian, wow where you didn’t have to do anything to gain forgiveness and your slate was wiped clean.  Now this worked for a while, and then all of a sudden I brought even MORE standards to my little book, where there really was no room for mistakes.  Ironically, since Christianity is all about mistakes and how God takes them away and how we cant earn or achieve this forgiveness through anything we do.  Now I went the total opposite did everything I was suppose to do, and when I messed up in any way I’d beat myself up to the point where I was disgusted with myself.  I got to the point where nothing was ever enough, I never lived up to any of my expectations, well because they we’re out of my league. I am only human of course I can’t be perfect, and would never live up to all the expectations I gave myself. 

Now I’ve found myself giving up on what I’ve believed in all my life, living up to expectations.  What if I gave up, what if I gave in?  If I could just let my hair down, and do whatever without thinking that someone might see or judge me… tonight I was hanging out with a new crowd.  I felt so at ease, not having to live up to their standards because they didn’t expect me to be perfect which was great.  Then again something inside of me kept pulling me back.  I felt a tug time and time again, but then again I think its just me being self-analyzing because I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I didn’t drink, smoke, or even talk to a guy… well I did but not like that.  Now I question how does this Christianity-God thing work? I mean really we’re humans our flesh ALWAYS wants something other than our “spirit”.  We will always fail, always.  You know at this point I could say I don’t know where “I’d go if I died tonight” I mean I live this righteous life… supposedly, trying to do everything right but what’s it worth if I question this lifestyle or this God.  I don’t know I’m just tired of it all, I really don’t feel like I can go on.  I feel like a hypocrite as if I’m living one life and although I’m not leading another I want to not worry about EVERYTHING I do.  I just want to be able to live and not be seen as though I’m suppose to be perfect or not fall like the rest, and as long as I’m where I am now it will remain the same.  I’m sorry if I’m letting anyone down, I just have to be true to myself I can’t keep going on like this…