not so close to the heart.
Posted by: endlessdevotion on: November 10, 2008
In continuation of my comment to marcs latest blog.. it has led me to blog on the subject.
I do believe anyone i’ve let close enough to stab me in the heart has.. with regard i too have stabbed them, profusely usually. i suppose i am the same (afraid to let ppl come close) & hide it well.. or not so well. i think i might be so transparent that i’m not transparent at all. I dont let people know everything but make it seem as though i do or do i maybe i might just be tricking myself.
- You know a lot of people know me really well, when i make a certain action or gesture they know EXACTLY what i’m thinking.. (i hate it sometimes cause i feel predictable) BUT then theirs times no one knows anything at all and i’m dying inside. i hate to say it but friends.. you dont know me at all and i’m sorry… i’m not there yet either. I have been hurt.. i’m a little girl inside ready to have my heart broken and so i put up many walls, walls i cant even imagine how to break. Walls that i dont know how they got there. I guard my heart so well that sometimes i cant even find it..? if that makes any sense at all.. (i word vomit alot when i think too much)
My conclusion: We’re all fakes, not to be melodramatic but in reality we are. I mean i might disclose some information to one person and not another. I might tell you one truth and not the other. I pick and choose who and what to tell, in order to make myself feel better or to keep myself from being hurt. I am sincere dont get me wrong what i show you i am.. but usually thats only half of what i’m thinking. The other night i was writing in my journal and basically bashed the world to pieces based on my meloD phase i was going through & then later this week i bashed myself into pieces based on something i did.. i’m dramatic in everything i do and i hide it well i shove it all away in little heart and huge head. so sorry friends if i too keep you at a distance.. im sure you keep me at a distance as well and maybe we’re all better off that way.
5 Responses to "not so close to the heart."
November 10, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I guess that is partially my problem. I am too real, for the most part with me what you see is what you get and I am not good at hiding my emotions or convictions..
And that is why so many people (around here) don’t really like me much (or Chris for that matter, as he is the same way)…lol. I tend to make people uncomfortable with my openness, but that is me…I can’t pretend.
regardless of who you are little one… you are LOVED!
November 10, 2008 at 8:10 pm
theres nothing like that sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know that you want to open yourself up to the possibility of being loved and understood. Because you know that it means you have to open the door to (In your mind anyway) certain pain. Much easier instead to entrench yourself in a wall of brick and briars. Of course it’s unrealistic to think that anyone could be so cold or caliced. Perhaps we are indeed victims, but if thats true then were also the culprits.
November 10, 2008 at 11:49 pm
And here I thought I was the only one afraid to open up to people.
I think in this case its ok to be afraid … because we know that everyone else is afraid too. And in that case maybe it helps us to be less afraid because we know we’re not alone.
November 14, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Well I think for some people it is easyer to open up to. Like me I will open up to all most any one. But you see thats how g made me. Thats how I get people to open up to me. So I can help. I open up to people but not every thing comes out. Like my deep things I keep in. There is only one person that that know’s every thing about me and that is my best friend back in Oregon. I have known him for ever and I know i can go to him with any thing and he will only be there for me and tell me the truth. You know there may only be one person that you can be completly open with thats fine. May be you need to start asking God who that person is?
November 10, 2008 at 7:10 pm
It’s funny. I don’t know how many times I’ve lamented that no one knows me… I mean sure, people know about me but there are very few people I actually open up to…
I think you’re right there, my love. We all have our walls and we always think we’re the only one that does. We’re all wounded and jaded and afraid to be real so that we don’t get hurt yet again… Sucks, don’t it?