Okay… so I’m all for an education and becoming a better person and so on..  but dang, school sucks.  I’m so over it, i wish i was done.  At this very moment in time I am doing my homework… okay with a few little breaks but it’s my day off at work and I’m at school doing homework argh >;o so as of right now i know the GDP, inflation, industires and so on about Kenya and Cambodia so if you need the info i have it : / i will let you know as i go on what other countries I’m learning about, heh. anyways I’ve been so busy lately i hardly have time for anything. school and work take up all of my time and then i always have activities i just need to attend to. i think i am addicted to being busy, because even when i am not i look to do something i can never just sit at home.. story of my life.  Then again being at home alone sucks too so either way works out kinda weird… i guess I’m just a weirdo.  Okay so… just thought you guys would find this interesting did you know that Israel as a comparison is slightly smaller than New Jersey because i did not know that i find that hard to believe maybe it is just because I’m not big on geography stuff so i never take much interest but i thought that was insightful. Any-who, I’m done with homework. 

 So… I’ve been finding lately that i feel so unworthy of my life, i mean i know i complain sometimes but i have a pretty great life.  I have a unbelievable family who totally adores me (and i too adore them), wonderful friends, and a great great God who is always directing my steps.  I find it unbelievable that I am a totally and complete opposite person than i was only five years ago. I would hardly recognize that person anymore all I see is a lonely, desperate little girl looking for attention.  When at the time I can vaguely remember now.. i was thinking I had it all, gosh I was so mistaken.  I only hope that other girls that are out there that thought like me would come to realize, its an empty life that leads to nothing but disappointment. I think I’m growing up, I’m scared and yet excited.  I want to be young forever and not worry about life, bills, and work but then again i know its time to move on.. not so much as like maturity and things of the like (i think i’m there already), but as in like my career and school i want it to be over.  I want to say that i have arrived to my destination to the place i have so long desired i want to live out my dreams and make new ones i don’t want to dwell on the dreams I’ve had the past couple of years i want to scratch those out and say been there done that lets move on.  I guess i kind of feel like I’m at like a plateau, where things are just there.  I don’t want to be just there i want to be out and about i want my own store(clothing) i want my own restaurant i want my ministry i want… i don’t know everything… haha.  I know i know, I’m a little selfish but i feel like if I’m not doing anything then there’s nothing to do. I don’t know if that makes sense.  I feel the same way in the spiritual aspect but even more than this.  I feel like gosh Gods given me so much and i want to give so much back… i just don’t know how.  I guess i feel like sometimes i label myself and that’s so ugly i know but i feel like I’m this 3-4th yr Christian who should be doing more… but i don’t know what. I just want to know and do it.  I feel like i’m God is giving me so much and i want more and more (like of his presence). I feel like a hole inside of me, a good one not a bad one.  And this hole it just so deep and it doesn’t fill and i guess that’s kinda of great because I’m always wanting more but then again i want it you know? maybe not, i don’t know I’m a weirdo and i can never explain my feelings right. So anyways i guess i kind of got that of my chest. I feel a little better I’m just a little stressed with school and work.  So all in all I have these dreams and desired i hope one day i can achieve.